I want to share with you my process of the last weeks, because I believe that it is important to be open about one’s inner processes, especially when clients are involved. I have shared these reflections on social media, and I share them in their original format.
Reflections on responsibility
As a teacher, groupleader, therapist, I am aware that I have a huge responsibility. I feel that I am responsible for my actions, the way I behave, what I teach, my decisions about certain things, as for instance whether to facilitate a group session in physical presence during pandemic times or not. Of course I am aware that every participant in a group is responsible for their own decisions about attending such a session or not. So far so good.
What happened? About 4 weeks ago I decided to facilitate the 2. module of my Berlin ‘Heal your Roots’ training in presence, because all participants of this group are following the 2G plus regulations – being vaccinated plus testing. I thought this is safe enough, especially as we are a small group and could easily keep physical distance and wear masks if we chose to do that. All participants agreed to come. 3 days before start one participant wrote that family members had been tested positive, but she herself was negative. So she did not come. Then, on Friday, she decided that she would join on Sunday if she stayed negative. I did not object, nor did the others. So she joined, and the work was tremendously intense and at some point also physical touch/ hugging was happening. Yesterday this participant tested positive. I, as everybody else, was in shock. I felt and still feel shaken up and responsible to have allowed her to come. It was my responsibility to say yes or no, and I said yes. I wanted her to be included, and I thought she was ok as she tested negative for about 5 days. I was wrong. We had a long sharing and discussion in the group how to handle the situation. Finally we decided to end the meeting now and there, in order to not put anyone in further danger. Instead we will meet online a few times until the next regular meeting. I also offered support of any kind if needed and wanted. But I felt tremendously guilty and shaken to the bones. How could I put my students in such danger? Not consciously, but still. It was my responsibility. Today I am still processing, and I am all day in contact with individual students. I cannot concentrate on anything else. I pray all stay healthy.
Reflections on responsibility #2
My covid PCR test was negative. Does that relieve me? Yes and no. For now I seem to be ok. It does not mean that I am in 5 days. So much for myself. But I still care for those who are in my care. 2 of my group members tested positive and might have infected others, who have families, friends, and some of them might be in delicate health conditions. It just makes me aware again that all my -our- actions have consequences and that we cannot be ignorant about those.
Some people argue that I did the best I could according to my knowledge. That is true.
Some people say that to make mistakes hurts the ego who wants to be seen as perfect. That may be true in some situations. In this one it does not refer to my truth. I am aware that I am not perfect, and I have no problem to admit a mistake. I think it is much deeper. This whole situation with covid is uncontrollable, and that is what shakes me up. Not being in control of a situation brings out the deepest traumatic (unconscious) memories of the nervous system – of overwhelm and violation. And that I have to deal with. Not easy, not easy at all. But I will ….
More reflections on that one will follow….
Being in nature this morning helped to deepen my reflections
Reflections on responsibility #3
Some say ‘Don’t take yourself so seriously’. Some say ‘You did the best you could according to the informations you had’. Some say ‘Leave it behind and move on’. And the worst I have heard ‘My plans of doing …… are more important than the corona’. That is not who I am. I take my responsibility for the people, who are in my care, seriously. So, today is Sunday, and I am still processing the events of last week. I did some housecare work, which is always helpful. It gets me grounded, and I cooked myself a good soup, and I am listening to my playlist of soothing music.
Just a few minutes ago Leonard Cohen sang ‘Anthem’, my favourite of his songs. The line ‘There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in’ did it. Yes, there is a crack in everything, and the light gets in.
Now I will eat my soup and let healing happen.