A challenging time

The last few months have been a challenging time for me, in several  areas.

Therefore I was not in any mood to write on my blog. I had to first deal with those situations, before I could talk about them. I have always been like that. When I am in a challenging or scary situation, I first try by myself to sort it out, then, when I have managed, or when I don’t know any further how to deal with it alone, I might open up and talk to someone I trust. I guess, this is a leftover from my childhood, when there was literally nobody there to help in difficult moments. So I learned to do everything myself. And survived, god bless. But it is also a limiting habit, because in fact, this time I called out for help very early, and to my total surprise, it was there, available.

What happened?  In January I got a sudden gallbladder infection with incredible pain, so I had to call an emergency doctor. (who, by the way, was a total failure, giving a wrong diagnosis after a completely insufficient examination and wrong treatment). The next day my ex husband – who is my trusted physician- came over and did all the right things, which led to an emergency surgery, removing the gallbladder. But I was in shock. How could this happen? I am doing so many things to keep myself healthy, strong and fit. I had to realize that I have only limited control over my body, and that thought is putting me in a very humble position. Thank god my body is recovering well. And even with that I have to learn that it takes it’s own time, which is much longer thanI would like it to be. So I am learning to be patient with my own inner and outer process. This is not easy. I am very patient with other people’s ways of dealing with their lives, but I can put a lot of pressure on myself, when I am dealing with my own.

I trust that something good will come from this experience. And I am so grateful to learn that my biggest fear – to be all alone in a situation like that – has turned out to be wrong. I had so much support, on so many levels, and this is the biggest gift I got.